the lads

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good
seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth!

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I'm not even supposed to be here today.